Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
