He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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