theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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