all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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