My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
my poor anus
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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