I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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