I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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