So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
