i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
