my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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