oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
