OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
