So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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