I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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