turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
