I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
even my farts smell like vagina
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
