just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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