Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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