I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
