I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
