I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
