So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
