3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
