i permit you to call me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
