the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
