my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
