i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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