Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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