We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
