It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
