I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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