I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
