i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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