how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
