Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
