ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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