My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
