I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
