that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
