So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
someone owes me an orgasm
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
