you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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