i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
