If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
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I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
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i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy