Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex