I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?