i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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