it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
