Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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