Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
