Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
