Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
