why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
