Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
50% drunk capacity currently
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
