Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
