Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i think my cat just said my name.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
