John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
