So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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