i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
