I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize