dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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