I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
